Ground Zero

Well, we are officially on our own again: California Oma left this morning to return to her home, and I drove home slowly with what I'm sure were glazed, panic-stricken eyes!

It's not so bad, and while we are TOTALLY grateful for the help she gave us for THREE months, I always knew I would need to pull up my bootstraps and get back to flying solo. I kind of hoped that time would go a little slower, but on the bright side three months of Adam's treatment have whizzed by, and we only have just under three months left before the maintenance phase.

I was actually quite proud of myself at dinner, and commented to Brian that we had "made it" fine. He reminded me that we haven't actually done a whole day yet. Always the realist, that boy!

Here's to the baby remembering what sleeping at night is, to Adam's mouth being zero tomorrow (on the scale of mouth damage, 0 being none and 4 being where we don't want to go), and Caleb keeping to the "not before seven dot dot oh oh" rule. Peace, love, mercies small and large and enough caffeine to keep the ship sailing.

Choose your own adventure

When I was a kid I used to read those Choose Your Own Adventure books. You know, the ones where you read a page and make a decision about which way to go at the bottom and it directs you on to the next part of that story. In theory, every time you read it you can create a different story just by changing one of your choices. I never worked it out statistically, how many different stories were possible. I just remember being as fascinated by choosing my way to the "happy ending" as I was by my choices leading me to the abrupt "too bad, you're done" ending.

In actual fact, what I liked about those books is what you don't get with real life: the option to flip back to the front and start again if your story is not going how you want it to go. Real life is marked by choices, and those choices do influence our story for sure, but we still start every day exactly where we left off before we went to sleep. We don't go back, we don't start again. I can be as different tomorrow as I want to be, but I still take all I've "read" so far along with me.

I started thinking about all this last Friday, when I was talking to our neighbour whose father recently died after battling with cancer. She was teary and fragile, but equally pleased that in the last few weeks before her father's death they had done a lot together, made the most of their time. She had no regrets about the end of his life.

I of course started thinking about Adam, and more clearly about how we are spending our time together. I don't know anything about the future for Adam, only that right now, in this moment, I have the choice to spend time with him meaningfully, to live well so that no matter what, ten years down the line I have no regrets. I want this as much for myself as for Caleb and Agnes, who won't be thinking about the future now (blessedly!) and yet will still have memories of this time in our family's life, maybe more so for Caleb than Agnes. I want Caleb to think back and remember that we did some fun things as well as the "boring" old hospital visits. I want him to remember Adam laughing as well as shouting, crying and laying on a hospital bed.

I wasn't trying to be morbid, only to shake myself out of a little rut I'd gotten into, of getting through days rather than living them. So we took the bus and went tubing down the dry ski slope on Saturday, had fish and chips and ice cream and then Adam and I, keen to keep the party going, took the bus to a playground and hung out on the swings while watching huge black clouds bearing down on us (mercifully staying dry!) I had to carry him much of the day, as he was tired. I had to wash his hands lots and keep putting his coat on when he got cold. But we had fun.

Sunday we went to church, watched Alice in Wonderland together while the baby slept, then went for a coffee and a walk in the forest nearby. Adam rode in the buggy most of the time, holding on to rocks and throwing them into the puddles we passed. Brian raced Caleb on this mountain bike course we like, hurtling Adam at breakneck speed along the "loop-de-loops" (don't worry, he was strapped in!) They stopped now and again and waited for momma and baby, and were off like a shot once we caught up--I shouted the obligatory "be careful!" and smiled to see Adam's wings and his smile, thoroughly enjoying the ride.

So we chose our adventure this weekend, we spent loads of money and tired ourselves out and it was good. I for one will look back someday, from whatever vantage point, and say that was time and money well spent. And whether or not this weekend is as flashy, I'm grateful for the reminder that I can choose to spend it well.

p.s. here are pics to prove that we survived!

sweaty family post-tubing

she does love her front pack walks!

p.p.s: just so you don't think I'm all romantic and stuff now...two days after our epic weekend I got a call from one of the nurses at the hospital who asked how Adam was doing. Fine, I said. Why? Well, it's just that his haemoglobin (red blood cells) is 58, so we wondered if he's ok. I didn't tell her about the tubing, and I definitely didn't mention the buggy racing either!!

The 5 week blur

I can't believe it's been five weeks since Agnes was born!! The time goes so fast, and of course I think I'll be able to sit down and write little bits for the blog here and there, but that would require a minute to actually sit and write!

The long and short of it is that things are good. Little Agnes is growing well and quickly, filling out her first baby sleepers and developing those soft little rolls around the face and neck that everyone loves to pinch. She has a bit of newborn acne, and we have figured out (mercifully quickly this time, compared to Caleb) that she is sensitive to dairy products that I eat and drink, so I'm trying to avoid dairy and help her little gut not to be so gassy (and our nights not to be so short!)

Also in the last five weeks...Adam finished at Mile End and will start at Woodlands, his new special needs school, after the holidays (one more week). He has had two mornings there and is already showing that it's a much better environment for him. He's coming on in using signs and communicating, and starting to show a pretty strong independent streak! We're still grateful for Mr Tumble, and of course all the sunny weather to spend hours at the park.

We've also had a visit from the Chicken Pox fairy for Caleb, though his case only lasted a week. Adam started showing his spots tonight, not 5 hours after my parents left for home of course! It seems to be pretty mild so far, so we're hopeful for a quick recovery as well.

My parents left to go home this afternoon, and while I'm so thankful for all their help to our family for five weeks, I know it's the right time for us to begin learning how to live as a five-some and do it ourselves. The first afternoon and evening were ok, so here's to a few more of those! Of course if you don't hear from me for a while you will know why! :)

The highs and the lows

I thought about doing an update on the weekend, but that was four days ago! Amazing how fast time goes, especially this last week. So now for the week's update...

Some highs:

This week Brian and his colleague John Swinton (interestingly, also my work partner) held a symposium on adoption at the University of Aberdeen, where people came from all over to give papers on the topic. They were great, and I was so blessed to sit in on a few of the papers. Food for thought...and speaking of food, I also had the pleasure of cooking dinner for the 12 lovely invited delegates on Tuesday night and squeezing them together in our tiny front room! It was a great evening, even if I still wish the veggies were cooked a little better! Seriously though, adoption is one thing we are starting to think through, and I'm sure it will appear here one way or the other again soon enough. When the papers get turned into a book you'll be the first to know.

Last Saturday (after our trip to the beach, of course!) my washing machine broke down, with a big load of sandy wet clothes inside! I owe a great deal of sanity to Grace and Stevie for doing some washing for me, and the Hoover Candy service man who fixed it on Wednesday, instead of June 5 which is what they first told me. Yea for new spin motors!

Tomorrow we are watching the season finale of Lost--finally. No, finale. Whatever--it's been a long story but at last we shall know it all. Or will we? Don't tell me yet--we'll talk about it this weekend!!

Some lows: This week brought the opposite of last week: terrible, rainy and cold weather (today was 5 degrees C, or 41 degrees F. Yes, it is May 27). This necessitated some indoor play, Burger King and lots of money spent, though I have to say it was still enjoyable over all. Except that all the laundry I'm doing this week is getting soaked outside. Shame.

Also this week I had to go to the doctor for what appears to be gastritis. I'm taking tablets to reduce the amount of acid in my tummy, and I hope this will do the trick. Might have to review my diet again, though the last time I did so (a few weeks ago) I ended up giving up coffee, and am still much happier for it.

All in all a full, crazy and productive week. As you might expect. Life is good!

What a day!

Let me recap a glorious day for you.

The day began bright and warm, with blue skies and sunshine galore...this week has been much of the same, in fact: a true Aberdonian dream. We set off for another round of Run, Jump and Throw at the local Grammar school. Adam settles right in for his hour of mischief, and Caleb and I set off for "fruities", his term for anything that is soft and chewy and tastes like fruit. We found the local Co-op food store, he found a pack of yogurt covered fruit pieces. On the way back we scoped out a shop called "Hamish Munro"...the clothes and shoes were a delight to look at and feel. I found the dress of my dreams. Too bad my wallet is not dreaming: £275!!! Oh well...back to the school.

After Adam's hour we set off along country roads for his Bowen therapy. We've gone several times now, but this session was by far Adam's best. He let Jan do her work for the most part, only hiding under the therapy table for a minute or two. He is responding well to the treatment, coming on in leaps and bounds. Full of leaps and bounds, as a matter of fact, as he seems to be climbing, leaping, jumping, running and bouncing all the time lately! After 30 minutes we were back in the car, home to get Dad.

After a quick lunch we set out for the beach: where else would you go in Aberdeen to enjoy the sun and get some homemade ice cream from the Washington?? One big tide pool, several huge rocks, two pairs of soaking, sandy trousers, and four scoops of ice cream later we were heading home. I caught more than a few pairs of amused eyes at our two lovely blonde boys trotting around in shirt, socks, shoes and grins--no trousers for either and absolutely no shame!! Caleb in fact was parading in his red Mr Men undies without a hitch--rode his bike like a champ for Dad, too. Only three "falls", but he gets a high-five for each so no tears!

Back home, it was a lazy evening feeding and bathing, finished off by a curry and Lost for mom and dad. Now all that is left is the Last Episode...which we will watch sometime next week...it's going to be a crazy one, but such is life.