Lessons from the Playground

Every afternoon I go to pick our middle son Caleb up from his primary school in Aberdeen. It's just around the corner from our house, which makes it much easier all the many days I need to take his brother and sister along with me for the journey. Most days that it's not raining or blowing a gale, Caleb asks to stay and play with his friends. I usually try to say yes, and then it becomes a game of What will end the play session first...friends go home or mom freezes?? Usually the latter!

The other day Agnes was at nursery and Adam was content, so I just sat on the benches, trying not to freeze, and watched the boys play. They run around in circles, playing this game or that one--mainly tig-and-tag. I haven't quite figured out if they just need to burn off their energy, need to assert some position in the "wolf-pack" (as they are known), or need to establish some level of friendship that the classroom has sublimated for the previous six hours. Probably they don't know either. Probably all three at once.

What I do know, having watched them for a while now, is that there is a lot of work to be done in childhood, and during this time that the boys are playing they are also most certainly working. Let me illustrate a bit more clearly.

Some days it's entirely laughter that I hear, happy noises from children content to run about and be free. The games go off without incident, nobody trips and runs to mother or father with a sniffly nose. It's simple, but still not easy. The kids are running non-stop. I see jackets flung off, faces become red and sweaty, and now and again one will stop and pause, hands on knees, to catch their breath. Physical work, good and pure. But another level, they are developing skills of what I call, for lack of a better word, layering. They are physically moving with a game, whilst keeping an eye out for the others and planning strategies, sometimes in a group, sometimes on their own. They are watching to see who is doing what, and beginning to really suss out what sort of behaviours will move them up a level on the playing field. Like birds in flight, they seem to sense when to move together and when to separate, and this takes a lot of energy and an awareness of self and others that is emerging.

But then, when conflict strikes, they are learning how to negotiate, how to lead and follow, how to speak to others, how to resolve the conflict (for most of the time parents are involved in their own conversations) and most importantly...how to listen. I've seen some major arguments erupt, and one or two of the kids step in to "manage" it. I've seen kids run off so angry they can't speak anymore, and the others coming together to figure out what to do. When an interaction or game goes so bad that two or more have fallen out, the others are left to decide how to react, and you can see on their faces the intense work of processing that is taking place. Will I take sides? Will I find a new game? Will I ask to go home? (maybe not...) Well then, will I help sort it out?

Every day Caleb comes home and tells of arguments, fall-outs, and kids that are calling names. Sometimes he is on the receiving end, and sometimes he is part of the team doing the dirty work. He is learning how it all feels, what sort of consequences come and how to deal with them. He is learning to stand on his own feet and make decisions--some good, some not so good--and most of all to learn that knowing why he made them is just as important if not more.

But I think what is most difficult, and potentially what throws some children off the rails for good, is that their safe spaces are changing and they have to learn how to realign themselves in this adult world to which they are stepping ever closer. I can no longer keep Caleb safe at all times, or control most aspects of his world, or solve his problems. He came running to me today with tears at an injustice done to him by his best friend, which was of course provoked by the injustice he first did to said friend. What could I do? A bit of comfort and comfort for the other boy who then came over. Some words that I hoped were calm and encouraging, and a joke about everyone "smelling the barn" and being tired and cranky at the end of the week. Nothing more, and they were friends again. But that was not my doing, it was their decision, weighed up in milliseconds about how they wanted to end their week and treat their friendship, about what matters and the importance of forgiveness that they have heard over and over again.

Processing, processing. If we think that it's only we adults who do the enormous work of processing difficult issues and straining our minds on so many different levels at once we are kidding ourselves. If, in turn, kids act "like kids" sometimes, I can see why: everyone needs a break now and again in their work day.

Birthday reflections

This last weekend we decided to treat Uncle David to some touristing, and chose two sites that we are particularly fond of to go and see together. On Saturday we decided to visit Dunnottar castle, which is located just outside of Stonehaven about 13 miles south of Aberdeen. Unfortunately for our view we had the worst "haar" (or fog) in Aberdeen that I have seen in a long time that whole day, so much so that you couldn't even see the castle at all! The walk we did to it was cold and damp and everybody was a little weary by the end of the tour, including and especially Dad who pushed a crying baby in the buggy all the way back to the car so that he could pick us up (and not have to bump the buggy and baby down and up all the steps to the castle. It was built, after all, before disability regulations had come into effect. As in the 1300's!)

here is a pic of the "to" part of the journey--brrr!

Luckily Saturday night provided warm and welcome relief in the form of music at a local pub called the Blue Lamp, played by one of Brian's colleagues, one of his students, and two other divinity students. The group is called "Trimmed and Burning" and they are, to put it mildly, fantastic. We took Uncle David with us and he really enjoyed the night.

Sunday dawned clear and bright and proved to be the best of the weekend by far. We headed inland to Huntly to see the castle and play on the playground, followed by a picnic lunch in a town called Dufftown at another playground. Then a walk to the Glenfiddich Distillery for a tour of the warehouse and whiskey tasting. Then a pub dinner and back home in the gathering twilight to put the kids down and play another game of "Shoot the Moon". The day stayed warm and sunny all day--here are a couple of pics to show the fun times in action:

Mom and kids in full swing

Adam doing some climbing on the way to the Distillery

The evidence in plain view!

All this was a great preamble to turning 38 on Monday. I showered myself with sunshine and a cupcake for lunch, Caleb showered me with "presents" he made, Brian showered me with music and the Lord showered me with several days of sun and warmth (including the one day of haar to keep my expectations real!)

Overall I can say that it feels good to have another year under my belt. And a year in which I welcomed our daughter from my belly into my arms--wooed by her sweet smile and gorgeous personality every day, she has added light to my heart. I was also introduced to cancer in our family through dear sweet Adam, who has taught me anew what it means to soldier on and smile with your hands and soul even when your very marrow is rebelling. Brian and I have acknowledged both trials and the consolation of dear friends that keeps us going...Caleb has embraced both the loss of teeth and a place on the school council! I am running again and looking forward to doing my first race in three years on the 28th of April. If I may say so, I am faster than when I was only 37, and that right there is worth adding another year on!

Highs and Lows

Well, mostly highs to be honest, and high time to share them too!

Just thought I would give you a glimpse of some of the more fun, normal moments of our last couple of weeks to show that our lives are not totally absorbed by the hospital.

This was Agnes and Caleb playing together one afternoon recently, while Adam was watching--wait for it--Mr Tumble. They are so cute--she is really "talking" now and walking lots and enjoying humour. Caleb is doing well too, and is such a big help around the house. He even helped me decorate our cupcakes, as seen here before the plate accidentally tipped over sideways onto his shirt!!

One major recent step forward with Adam happened during his recent hospital stay when he was tentatively diagnosed with reflux and put on a medicine called Omeprazole. They haven't conclusively determined if he really has true reflux, nor is it clear whether it's him or caused by all the other drugs he's on, but since they started this anti-reflux med he's been sleeping much better and seems a lot calmer. Poor soul, just glad that they found it--there's always a silver lining to everything as they say.

Today as we were leaving the hospital following Adam's routine lumbar puncture he stopped off into the room next door, leaned up to where a lovely Granny was holding a tiny little baby in front of her, facing forward, and gave him a gentle kiss on the mouth, complete with "MWAH!" as Adam does. Truly sweet, as if he's passing on some of his hospital zen to anyone he thinks needs it!

Finally, we've been swimming again! The International School of Aberdeen has opened their pool to families with children with cancer on a Saturday morning and we've gone two weeks in a row now. It's such a great thing, and the high-school kids who volunteer and work with the kids who come are a treat to get to know. I'll try to take and add some photos of their session tomorrow soon.

That's it--hope we brightened your day just a little bit for once!

What you don't see, revisited

Well, that's Adam back on track with his chemo protocol, after his month long RSV-induced break. He's been on great form, looks good and other than a bit of morning nausea/vomiting has been doing great.

It was a crazy last few days though, starting with all day at the hospital last Friday with both Adam and Agnes. Try to imagine the difficulty of sitting in the room with Adam, stuck to his bed for five hours straight, and at the same time walking up and down the halls with little girl who just wants to practice moving. For five hours straight, did I say that? Well, it was tough but they were both very good and the play staff helped out a lot. Adam, for all that he's had trouble in the past with being able to sit in one place for any length of time, did not even attempt to leave his bed while he was hooked up to the drip. For five hours. I was amazed and grateful. It did take nearly 320 minutes of Mr Tumble to help him with this accomplishment. How long is 320 minutes Brian asked when we got home? More than five hours I said!

So, that was his long infusion of Cyclosphosphamide, the last one, and the last four days were his short Cytarabine infusions, each taking only five minutes. We even made it from school to hospital, back home to drop off the car and walked Caleb to his swimming lesson by 4:30pm on Monday, to his great delight! He is really enjoying the pool (though it could be warmer!) and I wanted him to have something for himself this term, no matter how difficult the logistics would be. It looks like only this Monday and next that we have to rush a bit, otherwise after his next lumbar puncture on Friday, his next set of four cytarabines, and two other Friday infusions Adam will be done with the intensive bit of his protocol!! That's 10 February if you want to mark your calendars--as long as we don't have any other setbacks. From there it's maintenance for 18 months. No need to mark calendars for that yet!

The question that has been on our minds lately is why is Adam doing so well on chemo, better than most other children we've heard about or met? Meaning, how come he has had less side effects, less debilitating sickness and joint pain, and missed hardly any school? The RSV event was pretty much par for the course, just very inconveniently timed and lengthy. I guess the only answer is that we don't know, but we are grateful. It could be his makeup, something to do with his Down Syndrome, we don't know. Lots of things--drugs, viruses, immunisations--have never affected Adam in "normal" ways, and that has been both good and bad for him. So it stands to reason that Adam would not react in textbook manner to chemo, but I find it hard to believe that it would be this good overall.

Having said that, the month that he was off chemo we had the chance to see "pure" Adam again, albeit partially hidden behind an oxygen tube. He was sweet, talkative, helpful and cooperative. And over the weekend as the chemo kicked in he was a little more aggressive and tearful at times. So it obviously has an effect--maybe the question is better put, how do I tell how much Adam is changed by chemo? I was glad for the reminder that though subtle, Adam is anything but normal just now, even on his best days. But that month long break made me SO look forward to having his sweet normal self back in due time--cancer free, of course!!

And in the meantime...

Caleb had his first day 9-3 at primary one today, so he is truly a "Big Boy" now. He loved it, got a sticker for being quiet (!) and one for being a good boy. He sang me his "Annie the apple" song tonight, obviously the first step to learning his phonics. He ate lunch with Andrew (his school buddy) and Alexander. He saved his granola bar for his afternoon snack. I am so proud of him.

Adam had a special day today too--his 8th birthday!! They had a party for him at school, they sang to him on the bus, and we celebrated tonight with cake and a massive, musical extravaganza of the Happy Birthday chorus complete with all the instruments we could find around the house. He loved it.

Here he is in his cool duds, while my friend Cammy Moore took photos for us over the weekend. She's seriously good, I can hook you up if you want to see for yourself!! The top pic is one from her too.

Agnes worked on her sitting up, her eating, her next two teeth, her nap, and was a beauty to behold all day. As you can see in this photo, also by Cammy.

And since all good things must come to an end, I'm off to bed. Hope I left you with a smile! :)

One of those days...

As my husband would say, I frequently have "one of those days". Today, however, was one of those days--the kind I'm not too familiar with, the kind I am learning to be really grateful for when they happen and not worry about when they don't...the good kind!

I don't mean to say my life is bad, not at all. It's just that normally life is not quite so peaceful all day, normally the baby doesn't sleep when she should and go to bed without much fuss, and normally the sun doesn't shine in Aberdeen and blast out 75 degree heat! But today it all happened, and this is how it looked:

Tractor play, paddling pool, gardening (what I was doing before I took the photo) and enjoying the lovely flowers...all ingredients for a fabulous afternoon with the kids. As you can see, the garden is a very conducive place for relaxing and creative engagement, good for the kids, good for me.

I realise I haven't even written about the move or the new house yet, but anyone who has moved knows how snowed under you get by details and the sheer weight of boxes and stuff to sort out. I'm nearly there though, enough to drop it all and go outside on the warmest day of the year so far. It's really a wonderful place for us, as this picture can testify.

The bathtub is another great plus, but I won't be posting any pictures of us in there! (though we all have gotten in together a few times so far it has to be said!)

More pics and details soon...maybe when the rain returns!